Cubby-Blue

It's Bad Word Day, Cub Fans.

Well, shit.
Another damn sweep!
Son of a bitch, how long can this go on?

Since it's no fun talking about the 9th consecutive Cubs loss in a row, I thought I'd tell you a bad word story.
This is about some guys I used to work with, but I'm gonna use fake names anyway and take you back when everybody was just getting flip phones and figuring out how to text.
And it wasn't really against any rules to text something...off-color, because no one had really done it yet.
One of these guys (we'll call him "Nick") is about the nicest guy you could ever hope to meet.
His co-worker (who we'll call "Sam"), is also a nice guy, but if Nick was an angel, then Sam was the devil.
Sam was unafriad of saying and doing the most politically incorrect, foul acts imaginable, but all in the name of comedy.
And make no mistake, this guy is funny.

So Sam made a habit of showering Nick with his off color jokes, and one day...
Well, a little back story first.
Nick owned a couple buildings, and he rented them out.
He made a deal with one of his tenants - a nice couple - so that if they took care of the lawn, he'd knock down their rent.
He'd gotten a text from the wife saying her husband was away on business and she couldn't get to the lawn that week.

So right about that time, we're all in a rental car on production in Los Angeles.
Sam texts a foul message to Nick even though they're literally 2 feet from each other.

Nick thought: you know what?
I'm gonna do something foul back.
Even though "foul" is not anywhere in his natural personality.
At all.
So, just to test the waters and feel what it's like to do something bad, he texted one word: cock.
No real thinking behind it at all, except that it was dirty.
And no sooner had he sent it than he realized one small error: he'd sent the text to his tenant by mistake.

So I'm driving, and suddenly there's a loud moan from the back seat.
Like, real pain.
I look in the mirror.
What's wrong, man?

He tells us the story, and you have to think about the circumstances.
The text he'd gotten from his tenant said, "My husband is away on business..."
And the reply, even though it was days later, was "cock".
I'm crying I'm laughing so hard.
Nick was MORTIFIED!
So we all tried to think of something he could make up, something he could text to make it better.
"Cocktails. I meant to say cocktails."
That was worse.
"Hitchcock is my favorite director, but Hitch got deleted somehow."
Stupid.
Honestly, I can't remember what he actually texted back, but this "cock" thing turned into one of those kinds of things where you try to fake someone into reading or saying something with the word "cock" in it.
What does the Rooster say?
What was that bird that Robert Blake used to have on his shoulder in "Baretta"?
Or just hand off a picture of a cockroach and walk away.
Anyway, that's where the idea of the above art came from.
I remembered the story while watching Wandy Rodriguez shut down the Cubs last night, when I couldn't think of anything to rhyme with "Wandy Rodriguez" to make up an "I Hate The Astros" post.

Anyway, if the Cubs lose 10 straight, I'm going to tell my vasectomy story.
Because that was as much a train wreck as this Cub team currently is.

And, should you feel the need to let off some steam with a little profanity, today's the day.
Just don't text it.

Tony Campana plays in 4-D.

I don't have time for an illustration today, sorry.
But if you were watching last night's game, you saw a couple plays you just wanna stick in the memory bank forever.
First was Starlin Castro's impossible diving stop (Castro Cubs.com vid here) of a ball that was simply past him.
No way he gets it.
He sort of caught up to it from behind and then you thought um...did I just accidentally blink and miss the part when he stood up, turned around, planted his feet and threw from right field to nail that Astro at first?
Because that isn't something that happens in normal life.
Goose-bumpy and impossible, that play.

And then there was Tony Campana (Cubs.com vid here).
He's on first, there's an attempted pickoff, the ball gets past weezy old Carlos Lee, and Tony takes off.
Meantime, the ball bounces off something and comes straight back to Lee who throws it to Astro 3rd baseman Matt Downs.
Campana is out by 20 feet, maybe more.
But what happens next...sometimes I wish the players all had helmet cams, because the view Down's had must have been incredible.
Campana running full speed right at him and suddenly, Campana flies.
Literally.
Takes off.
One was reminded of Walter Payton flying over a pile of tacklers.
He goes up over the tag, and when I say dives into the ground I mean literally.
Like off a diving board - his feet WAY up over his head and he lands...OH CRAP! He lands 4 feet past the bag.
Both he and Downs leap at the bag at the same time and Campana wins.
Safe.
The whole thing looked like something out of The Matrix.
Not really where bullets slow down but more like Campana just went into the 4th dimension about halfway to 3rd, and then popped back out 4 feet past the bag.

Did the Cubs win?
Nah.
So we're looking for any little thing that, you know, can make you smile.
Happened last night.

And Travis Wood, he takes Volstad's place and I don't know.
Maybe he really was too nervous before.
But he looked a million times better than earlier in the year, and hopefully he turns a negative into a positive.
Plus, he almost hit one out.

Okay tonight it's Jeff Samardzija vs. Wandy Rodriguez.
Please Cubs.
Another sweep won't be so good. 

 

This is your brain on Cubs.

Repetitive.
Never-ending.
Mind-numbing.
Two 3-run homers off Matt Garza from guys I've never even heard of.
And they were Astros.
Guys, I figure we're going to go through this alot this season.
Extended losing streaks, nightmare losses, bullpen implosions (although Randy Wells looked pretty good last night).
It's not even June yet, so we'll just have to figure out a way to keep our collective sanity, keep plugging along, and keep our eyes on the horizon where there may be help this summer and if not well, there's the bigger prize coming some time before I die.
Take a minute to rant if you want, this is the place to do it.
But don't go buyin' no Brewer hats, okay?

That was Houston's toughest pitcher last night, that Bud Norris guy.
Maybe tonight it'll be a little different.

Last thing.
Anthony Rizzo.
Whether he's ready to come up - I don't know.
But we should let Theo Epstein stick to his plan, bring him up when the Cubs can get maximum control and value from him.
Plus, he's already failed in the majors once.
Can you imagine the pressure on a kid, coming up and being expected to do well on this team?
In some ways, I'd say just forget about him this year.
On the other hand, maybe it's the perfect year to bring him up since nobody expects jack.
Maybe that actually reduces the pressure.
I don't know.
But I'll keep trying for laughs or rants or whatever just to keep sane.

 

 

Gardening, the Cubs, and the Tools of Ignorance.

It's gorgeous out.
The Cubs are playing the Sox.
I have gardening tools, various plants (including tomatoes) in those grocery store plastic cartons, and icy cold Tecate.
Man, IT'S A PERFECT SUNDAY!
I also have a grovel mat - a rubber thingy I can kneel on while digging up the freaking weeds and turning dirt and stickin' plants in the ground.
Every year, I promise myself I'll use the grovel mat rather than bend over for hours.
But you know what?
Stupid Jake Peavy, who you all know I so coveted way back when, just treated the sad Cub bats like they were nothin'.
Paul Maholm had it goin' on early, had the curve working pretty good.
Then back to back homers happened in the 4th, another homer in the 5th, and in the 7th they had 4, the Cubs had zeeero, and Maholm was spent.
The Cubs bullpen is just a tornado of crap, and it ends up Sox 6 Cubs nothin'.
A revolting sweep.

So I started out all in control with the gardening process.
Then, you know, Adam Dunn hits his homer right after Gordon Beckham hit his.
I whip the hose and break the dumb cheap plastic sprayer thing.
I'm getting mad and whacking the ground and throwing things around the yard and suddenly I go, "Uh oh. Forgot about the grovel mat."
Completely.
There it is over where I started a couple hours ago.
I'm such an idiot. 

My legs.
My back.
I feel like I'm made of Legos, like if I bend something will pop like a Cub catcher's knee.
Just wait til I wake up in the morning (that'll be about the time you read this).
Hell.
Is my prediction. 

Anyway, the garden's as done as it's gonna get for this year.
So are the Cubs, but I'll save that for a later post.

LAST THING: follow Jim Baumbach today for I believe day 6 of Brian McNamee on the hot seat at the Roger Clemens trial.

Testing the faith of the loyal Cub Fan: Koyie Hill returns.

You know I've been out of town, super busy, not catching all the details of what's going on with our favorite team.
I didn't even know that our man Wellington Castillo went and sprained his right knee.
Like about the day after Geovany Soto tore the meniscus in his left knee.
Which was what? A couple weeks after Steve Clevenger strained his oblique (and maybe cracked a rib)?
Man, it's bad enough losing to the Sox at Wrigley Field.
But to test my faith to the absolute max, I turned on the tv and there was Koyie Hill.
Like a freaking ghost from last year's horror movie.

Whatever, I guess.

If you go to MLB's injury page, well first be glad you're not a Padre fan (13 injured), but you'll also see this:

Of the 7 injured Cubs, 3 are catchers.
That's so ridiculous I can't even believe it.
So they had to do something, right?
Koyie Hill.
He knows the pitchers for the most part.
In the words of Lou Piniella, "What can you do?"
Lucky for me, I can make a gif and make myself feel better. 

Anyway, baseball gods, thanks a hell of alot.

Cubs get absolutely creamed by the Sox.
Ryan Dempster still has no W.
The lineup for the Cubs was like - why put all the scrubs in the same game?
Danks had 'em no-hit until the 5th, but then I thought they were so close to getting to him the next couple innings...
I watched the entire thing, but I finally gave up after LaHair made out #2 in the 9th.
So I missed the minor "rally".

At least I missed Koyie Hill making the last out.

Lastly, more Kerry Wood.
I heard his retirement speech on the radio.
That's...moving stuff, guys.
I'm really going to miss his presence.
We'll see what kind of relationship he keeps with the team as time passes.

Here's Chris Jaffe's listing of Kerry's highs and lows at Hardball Times.