Another damn sweep!
Son of a bitch, how long can this go on?
Since it's no fun talking about the 9th consecutive Cubs loss in a row, I thought I'd tell you a bad word story.
This is about some guys I used to work with, but I'm gonna use fake names anyway and take you back when everybody was just getting flip phones and figuring out how to text.
And it wasn't really against any rules to text something...off-color, because no one had really done it yet.
One of these guys (we'll call him "Nick") is about the nicest guy you could ever hope to meet.
His co-worker (who we'll call "Sam"), is also a nice guy, but if Nick was an angel, then Sam was the devil.
Sam was unafriad of saying and doing the most politically incorrect, foul acts imaginable, but all in the name of comedy.
And make no mistake, this guy is funny.
So Sam made a habit of showering Nick with his off color jokes, and one day...
Well, a little back story first.
Nick owned a couple buildings, and he rented them out.
He made a deal with one of his tenants - a nice couple - so that if they took care of the lawn, he'd knock down their rent.
He'd gotten a text from the wife saying her husband was away on business and she couldn't get to the lawn that week.
So right about that time, we're all in a rental car on production in Los Angeles.
Sam texts a foul message to Nick even though they're literally 2 feet from each other.
Nick thought: you know what?
I'm gonna do something foul back.
Even though "foul" is not anywhere in his natural personality.
So, just to test the waters and feel what it's like to do something bad, he texted one word: cock.
No real thinking behind it at all, except that it was dirty.
And no sooner had he sent it than he realized one small error: he'd sent the text to his tenant by mistake.
So I'm driving, and suddenly there's a loud moan from the back seat.
Like, real pain.
I look in the mirror.
What's wrong, man?
He tells us the story, and you have to think about the circumstances.
The text he'd gotten from his tenant said, "My husband is away on business..."
And the reply, even though it was days later, was "cock".
I'm crying I'm laughing so hard.
Nick was MORTIFIED!
So we all tried to think of something he could make up, something he could text to make it better.
"Cocktails. I meant to say cocktails."
That was worse.
"Hitchcock is my favorite director, but Hitch got deleted somehow."
Honestly, I can't remember what he actually texted back, but this "cock" thing turned into one of those kinds of things where you try to fake someone into reading or saying something with the word "cock" in it.
What does the Rooster say?
What was that bird that Robert Blake used to have on his shoulder in "Baretta"?
Or just hand off a picture of a cockroach and walk away.
Anyway, that's where the idea of the above art came from.
I remembered the story while watching Wandy Rodriguez shut down the Cubs last night, when I couldn't think of anything to rhyme with "Wandy Rodriguez" to make up an "I Hate The Astros" post.
Anyway, if the Cubs lose 10 straight, I'm going to tell my vasectomy story.
Because that was as much a train wreck as this Cub team currently is.
And, should you feel the need to let off some steam with a little profanity, today's the day.
Just don't text it.