(In your head as you read, imagine your most syrupy, serious voice and furrow your brow...)
Sometimes, life isn't fair.
Sometimes, the breaks don't come.
And sometimes, you have the power to do something about it.
So, come on you Cubs, won't you help poor Ryan?
Starlin and Darwin and Alfonso: he needs your support.
Bryan, Tony, Ian and Jeffy...please give.
It's up to you, Wellington and Joe, Reed and Geo.
Whatever you can find in your heart to give.
Operators are standing by now, just call 1-800-RUNS4RYAN.
You'll be so glad you did.
Now, lets watch the commercial.
How does a 1.02 ERA translate to no wins in 5 starts?
Ryan Dempster, the most professional and funny guy on the team, is eating doo doo.
Bats and bullpen, we're looking at you.