I don’t know his real name, but he’s one of those security guys in the khaki pants and hat, the white shirt with “crowd management” stitched under a Cubs logo over his heart, and most importantly the Secret Service walkie talkie thing around his neck.
He also sports a bunch of tattoos along with a skinny pony tail and walks around with the ‘tude of the B-movie roughneck superstar.
One day a guy behind me pointed to him and said, “Look. It’s the Steven Seagal of Wrigley.”
I spit up my beer.
Obviously trained to spot any unruly fan or potential riotous situation, we’ve seen this man in action, calling for backup on his walkie, eyes hidden behind his mysterious Dirty Harry shades.
But I’ve never seen him actually do anything with his hands.
Which is a shame, because I’m sure that just like Steven, this guy has hands that blur when they move, and knock bad guys into oblivion or just rip out their jugular if they're too rude.
With him around, there is no need for a taser at Wrigley Field.
Well, unless you wanted to use it on a player.
It was getting soooo ugly around here I couldn't bear to watch any more, but the Cubs finally pulled one out yesterday - a 4-3 victory over the (slightly-less-rotten-than-the-Cubs) Marlins.
Carlos "Odd Job" (he looks kinda like that old James Bond nemesis) Silva did the trick, going 6 1/3 and gave up 2 runs. He's undefeated at 4-0.
Carlos Silva. (photo from today's Tribune)
PS: You never know – the Steven Seagal of Wrigley Field just may be that Navy Seal guy who was forced into the quiet life of Cubs security because he beat up some jerk superior officer who'd endangered Steven's men during a mission overseas, and now Steven’s just biding his time, waiting to save the world.