Don't even read this unless you've got a couple minutes to kill waiting for baseball to start.
Here's what I do sometimes, and you can try it yourself, just don't tell anybody 'cause it's kinda gross.
Sometimes on Saturdays, I don't take a shower in the morning like I do every other day of my life.
Sometimes instead, I just get up and put on my Cubs hat.
It's like I just took a shower!
I can go right outside and walk the dogs and people think, "Hey look, that guy is walking his dogs after taking his morning shower."
Now, had I walked outside without my Cubs hat on, people instead would think, "Hey look at that poor homeless man. I wonder how he feeds his dogs."
It's all about the hair when it comes to faking people out about not taking a shower, because nobody thinks a guy with hideous bed head took a shower.
So then what happens sometimes is, I even fake myself out into thinking I took a shower and a whole day goes by and I go to bed thinking damn, I never took a shower all day.
Then I get up on Sunday and the same thing happens all over again.
Maybe I make pancakes for everyone and paint a little and catch a little ESPN and shovel a little snow and head down to Borders and not find anything interesting and suddenly it's 3 in the afternoon and my kids say hey man you promised to take us to the movies which is when I remember oh NO, I forgot to take a shower again.
Really seriously don't tell anyone this, because it's so gross I can hardly believe it myself.
But the point of the story is sometimes I end up wearing my Cubs hat for a seriously extended period of time because I didn't take a shower.
Then, I TAKE a shower and now that I've washed my hair, I DON'T put my Cubs hat back on.
Then for example lets say I DO take the kids to the movies.
I'll be sitting there watching the movie and casually reach up to adjust my hat, and it's not there. But it still feels like I'm wearing it.
I call it Phantom Cub Hat Syndrome.
You've heard about people who like, maybe got bit by a great white shark and lost a leg or something, and they say it still feels like their leg is there?
It's the exact same thing, only I didn't get bit by a shark.
In a brighter room than a theatre, people might see me reaching up for the bill of my invisible hat and think maybe there are tiny flying insects around my forehead that I'm trying to squish between my thumb and forefinger.
Anyway, I told you this was stupid and of course you can accomplish Phantom Cub Hat Syndrome by still taking a shower every day, but then when you take your hat off and then go to the movies?