When you're a young guy, hair that grows in places other than your head is pretty important.
It means...you're a man.
In the summer before 6th grade I got a single black hair on my shin.
At baseball practice this kid goes, "Maaaaaan. A black hair! I think that means you got...sperm."
I go, "What's sperm?"
"You idiot," he says, "where you think babies come from?"
Another kid says, "Men have it."
I didn't know what the hell they were talking about, but that's when I first started to really wish I had... hair.
I was a freshman in football this one time when a guy named Paul Holland completely ran me over in a tackling drill.
One of the coaches screams, "SOUERS, YOU AIN'T GOT NO HAIR ON YOUR ASS!"
See?
Hair means huevos, balls, intestinal fortitude.
In college I decided to grow sideburns.
Why not?
Grew 'em for about 3 weeks.
Wellll, on one side I had to painstakingly and artfully blend hair from my head to mix with all of maybe 14 actual sideburn hairs.
And all that blending was for naught because only 5 actual sideburn hairs grew on the other side.
Bald patch between the head hair and the 5 sideburn hairs - not good.
I cannot grow a mustache or a beard, I have no hair on my chest, and my leg hair kinda petered out in 6th grade.
Reed Johnson seems to be able to grow beards at will and overnight.
I am SO jealous.
But you never know - I may still be maturing.
Well, that hopefully took your mind off of Geovany Soto's "mild" oblique strain and the sloppy, rotten, foul-tasting 1-4 loss to the Braves yesterday.
Kevin Hart came up to take Dempster's place in the rotation.
He did okay, really.
Buncha walks, but okay.
It's these damned wimpy Cub bats.
They have no hair.
And here come the Cardinals...
A little perspective - the Phillies lead the NL with 432 runs scored, St. Louis is 6th with 377, and our favorite team is 15th with 337.
I'm sure you're aware that that's 15th out of 16.
So...not so good.
I'd put a little hair tonic on those bats, boys.
Do that thing where everybody on the team grows a beard or something.
You are going to need to score some runs in these next 4 games.
And if you do, you will have a chance to knock these guys down a peg.
And even though I don't, as a Cub fan I would at least feel like I had some hair on my ass.
This illustration is in the current issue of VINE LINE.
