Cubby-Blue

Hey NFL Network: Figure. It. Out.

Packers are playing the Cowboys tonight.
Wouldn't that be a fun thing to watch?
Well, for some reason you can't, I just don't understand why...hey wait a minute.
I remember when cable first came to Chicago, and it was real late arriving compared to the rest of the country.
Just like now, I didn't have time to read about why that was.
Finally, it came and I signed up and a guy came in my apartment and said, "Hey, gimme fifty bucks and I'll hook you up with HBO."
I said, "Can I still get WGN so I can see the Cubs?"
He said, "I don't know."
Just like that, it all became clear.
He didn't care about any kind of service he was giving me...it was...all about money!
Son of a gun!
From top to bottom, all about money.
And gosh darn it, I'll bet that's what this whole NFL Network thing is about too!
Money.
Well, I have a suggestion for all you guys with the NFL Network, but I'd like my children to read my blog so I won't tell you.
I'll politely ask you, however, to figure it out.
Thanks.

Devin Hester: New Ways To Use Him

No...not on the football field.
In your vocabulary.
Devin Hester - he's breaking records, he's going all the way, he's off the charts, he's a scoring machine.
So, it's time we started using his name as a noun.
You know: "Hester!"...as in "Score!"
You walk into Jake's Pub on a Friday around 11 with some friends, and the pool table is impossibly open.
"Hester!"
Or, verb: "I hestered some seats for The National at the Vic!"
(When your name can be used for a verb, there's no need for capitalization, by the way.)
After you use it this way for awhile, it'll start making sense in more situations than you ever thought.
"Your hair is way hester tonight, darling."
"We got the Slifkin account - the meeting was a complete hester."
What are you gonna say when you open that bonus check at Christmas time?
Okay maybe it doesn't work for everything, but...
You should totally try it - it's about the only truly fun thing I've found about this year's Bears.
Just this morning, I opened the sports page and saw that Kerry Wood signed for next year, and it looks like he might be the closer.
Hester, dude.

Bill Belichick: What Comes Around Goes Around, Bud.

It's clear to me that Bill Belichick's Yin has eaten his Yang.
I'm happy that all the stars have apparently aligned for the Pats, but the head coach? That dude's gonna have to deal with some serious payback.
He's crossed over to the dark side, where it makes sense to pass on 4th down when you're in field goal range and up by 50 and say you're giving the other team a chance to stop you.
That's kickin' men when they're down.
Bill, you should listen to John Lennon, cause instant karma's gonna get you.
It might not be this year, but you've set yourself up for the biggest of falls.
And when it happens the whole country's gonna want to watch it in slo-mo on instant replay again and again.

Thanksgiving Dinner Conversation Starter

Happy Thanksgiving.
This was actually just about my first posting ever for Cubby Blue, and I'm thinking that at least as long as D. Lee is around I'll put this painting up around Thanksgiving.
Kind of annually-annoying, like the Detroit Lions.
But you know what Thanksgiving can be like...
Maybe Aunt Somebody mentions that her mother's turkey was always really juicy, meaning that the turkey on the table isn't?
Just say, "Hey, turkey rhymes with D. Lee! He's my favorite Cub!"
The subject is changed, you can hurry up and eat, then go lay down in the family room and watch football.
Normal, right?

Why the Cubs MUST get Kosuke Fukudome

I should talk.
I've no idea how to pronounce his name, but who cares about me?
Now, when Ron Santo has to pronounce it, that'll be special.
Mothers covering children's ears, giant FCC fines for WGN, coverage on Howard Stern...

I won't go into a bunch of stats, but in Japan Fukudome's career on-base percentage is .397.
Alfonso Soriano's is .327.
So Fukudome is good at the plate, and he plays right field - supposed to be good out there too.
All things considered, he might be the best thing the Cubs could do in the outfield this year.
But like I said, the Santo thing - that's the real reason to get him.

We're not tryin' to cause no trouble we're just doin the quarterback shuffle

You remember the Superbowl Shuffle, right?
So the quarterback thing...too easy.
You know, I'd really rather be doing like, positive paintings and hero worship.
The Bears are a big part of the reason I live in Chicago.
But man, this train has derailed about 6 ways from Sunday, and Sunday used to be my favorite winter day.
The line can't block so you don't know if anybody can play qb, and if the qb can't play you don't have a passing game, and if you don't have a passing game the running back can't run...
It's a never ending cycle of suck.
But there were a couple good hits against the Raiders last week, and if I stay true to my adjusted expectations, that makes it a little better.
I've been telling everybody the Bears will lose by a grotesque amount vs. Seattle though, so what usually happens in that case is they'll play well.
Pleeeeeeze.

I just saw that Thanksgiving will have the Packers vs. the Lions, which will actually be worth digesting some bird over.

Barry Bonds Retrospective

These are most of the Bonds paintings I've done over the years.
So, obviously not a fan, but what's up with all the sudden having proof?
Who else gave something up to prove he was lying?
Anyway, here...

Gifts for Cubs, Bears

How nice...
The Bears have put Uncertainty at quarterback, not that there was ever any uncertainty about that.
So Rex and Brian each get jerseys with matching names.
The Cubs send Jacque Jones to Detroit for utility guy Omar Infante, which means the gift of center field goes to Felix Pie.
We'll see how long that lasts, but I hope he gets another chance.
And of course Jason Kendall and Steve Trachsel have been re-gifted, so they can go under anyone's tree.
What gifts will happen next?

Just gettin' in the spirit here, folks.

I want my bears back.

This is awful.
I remember last year I actually got to go to the huge and nearly flawless 37-6 victory over Seattle.
You can ask people that I was with - out loud I said, "We're going to the bowl."
What happened to that team?
How can so many things go south in one stupid year?
Well, they have.
So I'm going back to my old expectations of the Bears.
I would simply like them to hit again.
No I'm not happy with losing, but if that's the case I'd like to be able to say, "Yeah they lost, but did you see that hit?"
It's really not that often the Bears have lofty goals, but there are usually people like Fencik and Plank to beat the snot out of the other guys.
Remember that Monsters of the Midway stuff?
I'd like that back.
Brian Urlacher - you're hurtin' I know, but you're the face.
Lead with it.
Cedric Benson, if nobody's blocking make the pile go the other way.
Adam Archuleta, if your hand is broken, put a cast on it and whack somebody with it.
It'll probably smart, but I'll feel better.

Nothin'

This painting is about the first metal detector, and the small print reads:

The first metal detector was invented by Alexander Graham Bell when the 20th president of the United States, James Abram Garfield, was shot in the back.
16 leading surgeons of the day rushed to Washington, but couldn’t find the bullet.

So young Alexander made his invention and tried to help.

Unfortunately, the President was lying on a new-fangled bed – one with metal coils in it – and young Alexander mistook them for bullets.

The 16 surgeons consequently made the original 4-inch hole in the President’s back into a 20-inch gash. And since no one had thought up the idea of sterilization yet, the surgeons were all using dirty instruments.

The President died of infection about 3 months later, on September 19, 1881.

What does this have to do with the Cubs?
Nothin’.
But if you look this story up on-line, there are many different versions and they all look official and real.
Which is what I like about this time of year for baseball.
How many stories are just somebody’s carefully researched guess?
A-Rod and contracts, Bonds and cream and clear, the implications of instant replay, trades…
It’ll be interesting to see what comes true.